Not the Mama

Laundry is in the dryer, a cake is in the oven, the dinner recipe is out on the counter ready to be made, and the kids are with their Mother. 'So what' better time to blog about being a step-mom?

About 5 years ago my life changed. I entered into a relationship with a man who had two children from a previous marriage. I went from living on my own, never knowing a roommate, to having a ready made family. It was a major adjustment.

Over the last 5 years we have grown closer as a family. Last year I married into the family. The last 5 years haven't been without it's ups and downs. When I entered my step-children's lives they were 12 and 10. Tweens!!! Not quite teenagers, yet old enough to have intelligent conversation and think for themselves.

I have been very lucky in that I have not had to experience the "your not my mom" or "I don't need to listen to you" comments that some step-moms have to work through. The downs have been the regular teenage stuff every other family experiences. Missing curfew, sneaking out, grades, dating, basic pushing of boundaries kinda stuff. Those instances though also encompass the ups. I was privileged enough to have been there for their first days of high-school, my step-daughters 1st real date, the day to day conversations, etc...

My husband and I don't plan to have kids together. We talked for over a year about the decision to not have kids. We agreed that the idea of a baby was great but the reality of one really didn't fit into our future plans or our current family. We talked at length about how the kids would feel if we brought a baby into the house during the time they would be going through so much as teenagers and agreed that the family we have is just right.

While I still support that decision, I have to be honest... with the kids approaching the end of high-school, in three short years the youngest will be graduating and starting her own life, I can't help but think where does that leave me? All the 'kid' stuff is over and the big adult stuff starts.

I feel like I haven't had enough time with them. Their Father and Mother have so many more memories with them. They know all those little things they did as a kid and are completely connected to them in that way and to each other.

I can't help but feel like the outsider sometimes. I have a connection with the kids but it's never going to be the deep bond they share with their parents. My husband is so supportive of me and includes me in the parenting but that doesn't change the fact that I am not the Mom.

I love both kids as if they were my own, so much so sometimes I have to take a step back and remember I'm not their Mom and back off. It is so hard because I want the best for them and am so vested in their lives. How do you take a back seat? Or don't you take a back seat?

Maybe it's not about where you sit? Maybe it's about just allowing things to happen as they do. If you are lucky enough to have step-children that welcome you as a parental figure like mine did to me then maybe it's about taking your cue's from them. If they allow you to be a parent then parent.

I feel honored to be apart of my step-children's lives. I love that they come to me for things and want to share things with me but in the back of my mind I fear that I might overstep one day, catch them on a bad teenage hormone day, and I will hear those heart crushing words "your not my mom".

I will never compare to their Mother, I could never image even trying to. I just have learn to be proud of the relationship that I have with them as their step-mom.

'So what'.... this has got to be the hardest thing I have ever tried to put into words. It still feels incomplete but I had to get these initial thoughts out... who knows maybe there is more.... for now, it's enough.