Two weeks ago Logan decided to move out and live with his mother full time. It's been a very emotional and difficult few weeks and I haven't really known how to talk about it (or blog).
I find as I am trying to explain how we got to this point it's not that easy to explain.
Over the past 5 years I have learned a lot about split families. I am fortunate enough to have parents that are still married and I have never had to experience 1st hand two households growing up. Ryan, the same thing.
In joining this ready made family I have learned that there are two very different households. This has proved to be challenging for us as parents, so I have to imagine it's extremely difficult on the kids.
In every decision we make, mostly what battles to fight, we consider how it impacts the kids. Ryan and I ask ourselves, what are we teaching them, what are we showing them, are we being good role models, is this how we would want them to act in a similar situation. Essentially, as parents, we molding little members of society that will eventually be out on their own and the goal is to make sure we mold them into contributing members of society.
We encourage the kids to reach for the stars. If they want it, they can achieve it. The key word though is "they". We expect that they will put in the work necessary to achieve the goal/dream. Ryan and I will support and help the kids achieve their goals but we wont do it for them. We assist and support. They are both at the age where life after high school is fast approaching. Logan will be graduating next June. Repeat conversations have taken place regarding, "what are your plans"? If not college, then what?
Instead of making this entry about Logan and his decisions, I thought it best to ask for advice.
You can't force someone to want more for themselves so when they choose to be lazy, take the easy path, or not apply themselves or their skills, what do you do?
I have a 22 year old daughter and a 13 year old son. The most frustrating thing for me with my daughter was that she is bright and talented and she sort of self destructed when she turned 15. It's as if her brain parachuted out of her head seven years ago. She graduated from Mentor High by the skin of her teeth. I had to beg her English teacher to let her pass. I question that often. What would her life be like if I had let her fail? She has only a very little college, a two year old daughter and about 8,000 worth of debt. Most of the debt comes from when she moved out to share an apartment with a childhood girlfriend who turned out to be very into drugs and alcohol. It wasn't safe for Steph and the baby, so Steph left and came home. The girlfriend trashed the apartment and then left, and Steph got sued because her name was also on the lease. She ignored the suit and so has a judgement against herself now. It has been very hard to watch her make these poor decisions. My hubby and I would warn her not to do these things, but she seemed bound and determined to fight to the death to make all her own mistakes and plenty of them. My advice to you is to hang in there. Life teaches the lessons that our children refuse to let us teach them. You have wisdom and the truth of experience on your side. When my daughter was 18 she moved out and moved in with her boyfriend (the babys dad) and would not even talk to me. She didn't come to see me or even call me on my birthday. Now she and the baby are back living with us and I feel that we are finally being able to finish the parenting that got interrupted by her rebellion. Love does go very far. I know that Logan knows that you and Ryan love him. Hang tough, don't give in/compromise your standards and disipline decisions. This is VERY hard I know. Parenting is not for wimps that's for sure! I will be thinking of you and Ryan and Logan and sending positive energy your way. It will work out OK in time. Karen Stinson
ReplyDeleteHang in there...and love him.
ReplyDeleteThere comes a time...when all your talk falls on deaf ears...sure..maybe they are still soaking in up...but you won't know until years later. All you can do now as a parent..is still be there as you were before...his biggest advocate in life...his biggest cheering section when he does make the right decisions...his support system when he needs to turn to someone...watching your children turn into adults is the hardest part of parenting...you have already been there...you know the ropes...but they don't want to hear it...they need to live it. You always hope that their mistakes will be smaller...that you can spare them any they could possibly make...but they will still make them...and you could say...I tried to tell you...but you won't.
Instead you will say...I Love You
Give him the room to allow him to make wrong choices and do all the wrong things because you can't make him do otherwise. He sounds like a kid who when pushed pushes back or away. He will come back around he will find his way he just needs to do it his way.. I know it has to hurt as a parent to look into the life of your child and know there is so much out there for them if only they tried a little harder did a little more... but it is so much harder to learn from others mistakes most people have to make their own. Just be there in the end when he feels he needs you the most.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the responses. I found them very encouraging and just what I needed. Thank you.
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